Lone Wolf
by blackhippogriff
Summary: Soft as a feather, rough as a stone. Worn and ragged, stubborn and broken. It is none other than Remus Lupin. One-shot.


**_A/N:_** _Admiration and thanks to Queen Jo for the creation of there characters and stories that will forever a part of childhood many cannot let go. I constantly find myself returning time and again._

 _Today I come back with a little slice of one of my favourite characters - Remus Lupin._

* * *

 **Sirius Black is dead.**

Remus Lupin yearns very badly for something to do. Anything that would take his body out of this seat and his mind away from this issue. Anything that would keep him busy. Right now he has nothing to do - it is the dead of night, and he is alone in a small, stiff bed. He wishes Dumbledore would send Fawkes and say there is an emergency. Because otherwise, the hurt will become unbearable.

Maybe he wished hard enough, for as Remus rolls onto his side in search of a better position to wallow in, there is a knock on his door. He is staying in a very cramped room that can hardly be qualified as a flat, in a hidden, damp corner of the city. His bedroom is his kitchen and living room. He does not even have a dining table - he eats sitting on a mouldy sofa facing a small wooden coffee table.

Remus turns from the wall next to his bed to the door at the sound of the knock. Who would come knocking at this hour in the night? If it were a member of the Order, he or she would send a Patronus instead of coming in person. Remus raises his wand and approaches the door. The knocking does not repeat. He pulls the door open and points his wand at the person right outside it.

"Tonks!" He is taken aback by her appearance in front of his place in the middle of the night. "What are you doing here?"

"Can I please come in first?" She has covered her head with the hood of her deep purple cloak.

"Uhm, yeah sure, come on in," Remus steps aside to let her pass through the small doorway.

Inside, the apartment is not well lit. There is only a little orange bedside lamp that is turned on. With a flick of Remus's wand, the light on the ceiling flashes and turns on, casting the room in a dreary, albeit warm, light. Tonks is standing right where she was when she entered and as she removes her hood, Remus can see that she is looking at him. Under her eyes, the skin is sallow and dark. Her pink hair drooped a little, like a plant that has not been watered in a long time.

"Have a seat," Remus gestures. "I don't have tea, will water be okay?"

"Sure," Tonks nods and sits down.

"Why are you here?" He asks as he goes to the sink for water. "This is a dangerous area. Is there an emergency?"

Tonks does not answer until he comes to her with a glass of water so that she can look him in the eye. Her dark, chocolate-coloured pupils search his worn and lined face, scan over his greying hair and stop at his brown eyes. "No, it's not an emergency. I just… wanted to check on you."

Remus sits down on his bed, which is opposite to where she is sitting. He closes his eyes and let out a long exhale. He knows what the conversation that is coming and does not want to have it again.

"I don't need checking on, Tonks. I'm all right. You should not be here at this hour of the night," he runs a hand over his face, "it's dangerous, and moreover, someone might be watching."

"Don't worry, I morphed into someone else on my way here. Only as I stood in front of your door did I transform back," Tonks does not take her eyes off of him as she speaks.

There is a silence that follows as Remus observes Tonks, unsure of what to say. "I'm fine," he finally says.

"You always say that," Tonks replies.

"I am. It's not something I've never dealt with."

"He was your best friend," Tonks presses.

"Yes, and so were James and Lily. I've been through this before. In fact, it was even more devastating last time," Remus does not really believe in what he is saying, and he dislikes himself for it. How come losing James and Lily hurt less than losing Sirius?

Tonks becomes silent, her eyes still on him. Her stare seems to pierce through him and see straight into his heart. "I'm sorry," she whispers. "I hope you don't blame yourself for it."

"I don't," Remus replies automatically. He does indeed blame himself for it. He hopes she does not see through that lie.

"Remus…"

"What do you want me to say, Tonks?" Something about the way she keeps looking at him with her large, tired brown eyes, so full of concern, has annoyed him. He is unsure why he is so irritated.

"I want you to be honest!" Tonks also snaps. "Ever since Sirius died you've been isolating yourself and acting sullen and quiet. You act like you're all alone in this - like no one can feel the hurt of his passing as you do. You act like no one is willing or can share it with you, while in fact, that's not true!"

"It's not like that," he says. He feels a strong urge to stand up and walk out of the room.

"But it is! You act like you're alone but look around you - Sirius was my mother's favourite cousin! Harry had just lost his godfather!"

Remus does not reply. He does not know how to tell her how important Sirius was to him. He was one sad and lonely boy when he walked through the big wooden doors and into the Entrance Hall of Hogwarts. He was scrawny and pale and scarred. Kids were not usually attracted to him, and he did not want them to. He was unsure he could keep his secret from them.

He was right to be unsure because the Marauders proved that he could not hide it from them. They first took notice of him after the Sorting, where they all sat next to each other. And then they came up to the dormitories to find that they happened to share a room.

Those three boys came like a beam of light into Remus's so far short but bleak life. He never knew a creature like him could have so much fun with such normal people, although it probably is not right to call James and Sirius average. For a while he was troubled and afraid; he feared that this joy can only continue if these friends knew nothing about who he really was. If they knew they would look at him with disgust, they would be scared of him and they would abandon him.

How wrong he was. James and Sirius soon found out about his mysterious periodic illness, and rather than isolate him, they tried even harder to crack open his shell and help him. They showed that they loved him for who he was, and that being a werewolf did not define that. If transformations were difficult to deal with alone, they would find a way to help him, and they did. James and Sirius pored over books, even in the Restricted Section, to finally master the art of Animagus. Sirius succeeded first and he was the first to spend a full moon with Remus. Just the two of them frolicking in the moonlight. Never before had Remus find it so easy and painless.

Sirius made that lonely and unfortunate boy feel like he belonged - like he was needed and loved. How can Tonks or Harry ever understand that when they have never been ignored and discriminated against merely because of who they are?

"It's not the same," Remus finally speaks.

Tonks is exasperated. "I came with the intention of listening to you. To be there for you when you need someone. I thought I've made it clear that I care very much for you, Remus."

"You have," Remus swallows. It is hard to say all this to her, again. "And likewise, I think I have made it crystal clear that you deserve better than me. I can take this on my own and not burden anyone else."

"Don't you tell me what's good for me and what's not!" Tonks stomps her foot in frustration. "I don't mind the burden. I can look past all of that. And I can't help but not mind it, don't you understand?"

Remus is again at a loss for words. All that Tonks is saying is befuddling him, for there is too much that he is feeling. Loss and love and loneliness. Ultimately, despite everything, loneliness seems to always come back to haunt him.

"Tonks, you are such a wonderful young woman," Remus finally says. "You shouldn't waste your energy on this temporary feeling you have for me. I'm not worth it. I'm too old; I'm too much of an outcast to be with you. I'll just damage you."

Tonks is frustrated enough to reach up and attempt pulling her hair out. She does not understand why he just refuses to listen to what she was saying. She wants to scream "I don't give a fuck about that" but she sees that that would change nothing. She bites her tongue to prevent herself from shouting. It takes a couple of long deep breaths before she can stand up from the sofa without shaking and approach the door.

"Good night," she says in a calm and controlled voice as she slammed Remus's door shut without looking at him. She tells herself not to let her angry tears spill, at least not until she gets home and can hide under her blanket.

Remus Lupin is left alone in his small flat again. The silence only helps emphasise all the emotions that buzz inside him as if they were a swarm of bees.

He remembers that soul-wrenching moment like it happened only yesterday. They had been fighting and Sirius surely felt liberated. He was, for once, out of that hellhole and he was terrified for Harry, but also exhilarated because he had found himself in the middle of the action, brandishing his wand and watching his comrades battle their common enemy. It was what he always wanted to do. He had been held down for too long.

" _You can't go," Remus insisted after Snape had relayed what he had deciphered from Harry to them. "It's too dangerous. They've used you once against Harry. This is too risky."_

" _He's in danger, for Merlin's sake!" Sirius's shout rung like a bark. "And I'm his godfather! It's my responsibility to be there and help him."_

" _We can do that," Remus retorted, gesturing towards Kingsley and Tonks, "we've got qualified Aurors here."_

" _I need to go! I don't give a shit how qualified they are; it's because of me that he went there, and I have to go and protect him! You can't stop me. What's the point anyway, it's not like me appearing would give away where Headquarters is or put us in more danger! The Death Eaters are already there torturing these kids!"_

Sirius had shouted in Remus's face and glared at him, challenging him to retort again. Both of them knew time was of the essence and it was ticking away. Looking into those sparkling grey eyes, Remus decided that it was pointless to force Sirius to stay so he relented and they left.

It was the worst decision he ever made, and its consequence has been biting his insides ever since. He had allowed Death to take away his friend, Harry's godfather and other people's family member. Tonks was right in saying in that the loss was not sustained just by him, but no one should feel so directly responsible as him.

Tonks only wanted to help. She only wanted to give Remus the support she thinks he needs right now. Perhaps she is right about that too, and he actually needs someone to share this burden with. She is the perfect person for that - she understood him so effortlessly, she is not disgusted by him, and she can surely brighten his days a little. But he cannot just take away her time and effort like that. That would be selfish of him, for he can never give back to her what she deserves. Instead, being with him would only drag her down.

So alone he is. Remus Lupin, through thick and thin, after so much time and many attempts, ends up as a lone wolf, just as he is destined to be.

* * *

 _Very brief, very vague. Just a slice, as I said. I thank you, reader, for spending a bit of time here with me. All reviews will be appreciated._

 _Until next time._

 ** _Tea Xx_**


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